The Conversation
by Carlisle Bella and the Banana
Summary: Carlisle worries that Bella and Edward aren't practicing safe-sex and chooses to voice his concern. Takes place before Chapter 23 of Hide and Drink by Savage


**Penname: Athazagoraphobiac**

**Title: The Conversation**

**Summary: Carlisle worries that Bella and Edward aren't practicing safe-sex and chooses to voice his concern. Takes place before Chapter 23 of Hide and Drink.**

**Disclaimer: I own no Twilight references, nor this particular plot. All rights go to Stephenie Meyer, as well as the author of Hide and Drink, Savage7289.**

**Contest : Carlisle, Bella and the Banana**

"Look, Char-…Dad, I understand your concern, I really do, but I have a strong feeling you have ulterior motives for finding me this job," I said, folding my arms across my chest.

Charlie rolled his eyes. "Really, Bella? And what would those motives be?"

I threw my hands in the air. "So that I'm either working or in this house!" My hands landed on my hips. "Because you distrust me _that_ much!"

I was tired of arguing with Charlie over this exact conversation, although I knew his worry was completely justifiable. I'd never been the best liar and because Charlie was a cop, I was sure he saw through every "I'm going to the library" and "Jessica wants to hang out."

Charlie sighed from his place on the couch and he leaned over, his elbows resting on his knees. "Bella, that isn't true," he said calmly.

"Really?" I started with cynicism. "Then why is it that you keep finding a million things for me to do that just happen to occupy much of my time? First, you ship me off to Florida, then I come back and I have a job."

"You need the money for college," he interjected.

He did have a point there. "But it just so happens the timing of this job is perfect, right?"

Charlie stood up. "So, what? You don't want the job?"

I shook my head. "I want you to trust me!"

He ran a hand over his face with a deep sigh. "I _do_ trust you, Bella," he said with exasperation, his hand dropping back to his side. "It's _Edward_ I don't trust."

I didn't like the way he said Edwards name – as if it were some sick disease or vulgar term. I crossed my arms again. "I've already told you, I haven't seen Edward since I've been back." I hated the way my eyes would automatically shift to the ground when I lied. I might as well be wearing a flashing sign that said 'LIAR.'

Charlie chuckled in disbelief and my eyes snapped back up to his face.

"You start on Friday," he stated with finality and sat back down. His eyes moved to the game playing on the television and I knew the conversation was over.

Like a child, I stomped up the stairs and slammed the door behind me.

Really, I knew I shouldn't be so angry with Charlie. He had every reason to distrust Edward – reasons he didn't even know about. But he did know that I hadn't left willingly, I could see that in his eyes. He never once believed I ran away with Edward. And I remember returning home and Charlie breaking down into tears of relief. My heart had shattered for the man. So, in all actuality, Charlie was right to try keeping an eye on me at all times; even if it did annoy the hell out of me.

I walked over to my luggage lying on the bed and began to unzip them. I hadn't had time to unpack from my trip from Florida before Charlie made his big announcement. I began to lift a stack of folded shirts when a strong rapping sounded off the glass of my window and I jumped in surprise, successfully dropping each piece of clothing into the floor. I whipped around to face the noise, not entirely sure what I should be expecting.

Carlisle waved at me through the window and I sighed deeply in relief, bringing a hand up to my pounding heart. Quickly, I crossed the floor, unlocked the window, and allowed him entrance.

As he stepped inside, I eyed his black medical bag and my stomach knotted together in panic. "Is Edward okay?" I asked frantically, and probably a bit too loudly.

Carlisle lifted his index fingers to lips, indicating I needed to be quiet, and nodded. "He's still at the cabin," he replied.

I furrowed my brow in confusion, not missing how he didn't really answer my question. "Then why are you here?"

Carlisle shifted the bag between his hands and he appeared almost…nervous?

"Well, I…" he lifted a hand to rub at the back of his neck, "I was speaking to Edward and I have a few concerns."

I felt my forehead wrinkle even more in further confusion. "About what, Carlisle?"

My heart started to beat a bit more quickly. I knew it. Something was wrong with Edward and I'd unconsciously been expecting to have this conversation. I had been sensing for days that something was just _not right_ with Edward.

"Your sex life," he finally blurted out, moving his bag to the other hand again.

My lips parted as my jaw went slack and my heartbeat faltered. "What?" I asked quietly, not wanting to believe those words just left his mouth.

"Edward expressed to me that you two were having intercourse," he repeated, his eyes moving around the bedroom uncomfortably.

Oh. My. God. He was talking about _exactly_ what I thought he was talking about. I felt my face turn seven shades of red as the blush crept across my skin. I narrowed my eyes and anger bubbled inside of me. Why had Edward been discussing this with people? Was he bragging about it? Wasn't this supposed to be something kept private? Whatever happened to "you don't kiss and tell"?

Carlisle must've seen my composure change because he quickly continued with, "He just mentioned it in passing, I assure you."

This didn't alleviate my agitation with the situation. I had no plans of discussing our "sex life" with others and I had expected him not to either. I rubbed my eyes with my thumb and index finger. "What are your _concerns_, Carlisle?"

"Well, I'm fairly certain my son has never been in a situation such as this before. Have you?"

I looked back up at him with incredulity. He was asking me if I'd been with other guys. _Seriously?_

I opened my mouth to respond, but my mind just couldn't form words, so I shook my head to indicate that I hadn't.

Carlisle smiled gently and nodded. "So, if my assumptions all turn out to be correct, which I am anticipating, you probably haven't thought about contraceptives either, have you?"

My eyes grew in horror. "I could get pregnant?" I shrieked.

Carlisle once again put his finger to his lips and shushed me softly.

My hands unconsciously fell to my stomach and my breath escaped me jaggedly. I had never even considered the possibility of becoming pregnant. Edward didn't eat, he didn't sleep, he didn't have a beating heart or blood in his veins. Everything about him was as far from human as one could get so there was nothing to warn me his sperm might still be… functioning.

I stepped back and sat on the bed, my knees starting to feel a bit weak.

"I don't know if you can or can't," Carlisle responded, walking to sit in the rocking chair in the corner. "But I'm here in hopes of preventing it." He lightly patted the black medical bag.

I just nodded, staring at the ground.

How stupid was I? Renée had always been a free spirit, so to speak, and had no qualms about talking to me about sex. She had always stressed the importance of condoms and assured me that if I ever needed birth control to let her know and she would take me to the doctor. But anything and everything that was considered normal had gone out the window with Edward, so I just unconsciously assumed abnormality would be the case here as well.

Carlisle unzipped the bag and I watched him pull out a syringe and medicine vial, as well as a box of some sort and a…a banana?

I cocked an eyebrow. "What are those things?"

"This," he replied, lifting the syringe and bottle, "is what's known as a Depo-Provera shot. Do you know what that is?"

I shook my head.

He nodded once, "It's a birth control shot. We inject the hormone progestin into the system and it keeps a woman's ovaries from releasing eggs, or prevents you from ovulating. It works up to three months."

I nodded and I could feel my face burning with embarrassment. I was grateful Carlisle spoke to me as if he was my doctor, but this entire situation was still abhorrently awkward.

"But it only works if you're not _already_ pregnant. That's why," he began to fish through his bag again, "I brought this." He pulled out a narrow box and I read the front of it: First Response.

He stood and walked the box over to me and I unintentionally groaned. It was a freaking pregnancy test. The words written across the box – _Rapid Results in 1 Minute!_ – did little to comfort me. I was slightly pleased, however, that it was the digital type. I wouldn't have to spend time waiting for either one stupid line or two stupid lines to get my answer.

"I need you to go take this for me," he said, handing me the box. "What you need to do is go to the bathroom. What activates the indicator is your ur– "

I snatched the box out of his hand and stood. "I know how it works," I interrupted.

Carlisle simply nodded then went back to the chair.

Quietly, I opened the bedroom door and stuck my head out for signs of Charlie. I heard the game still playing downstairs so I swiftly crossed the hallway to the bathroom.

I shut the door behind me and leaned against it. This was definitely turning out to be one of _those _days.

I tore open the box and quickly read through the instructions. Nodding to myself, I walked to the toilet, pulled down my clothing, and sat. As the directions instructed, I held onto the thumb grip with the absorbent tip pointing downward and the display screen facing away from my body. I spread my legs awkwardly and bent over, trying to make sure I didn't miss the stream considering the stick had to be under it for a whole 5 seconds.

I tensed my muscles and applied pressure on my lower abdomen, doing my best to control the speed of the stream so I would have enough time for errors. Slowly, my urine began to escape me and I thrust the stick in the line of fire. Unfortunately, I moved too quickly and a bit of urine drizzled on my hand. I scrunched my nose at the warmth.

After five seconds, I pulled my hand up and capped the stick. I wiped, pulled my pants and underwear back up, then made my way over to the sink to wash my hands and wait for the results.

As I scrubbed my hands, I stared at myself in the mirror and saw my brown eyes were full of worry. What if I was pregnant? Would it hurt me? Would I be able to carry it? Would _it _even be human? Would it need blood?

I felt beads of sweat pop up along my forehead as I started to feel sick from the anticipation.

I waited for a minute before picking up the stick again, but there was no answer. I sighed and sat the stick back down.

I stared at the little piece of white plastic for an entire 3 minutes before the result began to appear. Aggravation coursed through me that they advertised this incorrectly.

As the word '-NO' appeared in the small screen, I exhaled deeply and felt my body shudder. That was one bullet dodged. I started to throw away the box and stick, but then remembered Charlie used this bathroom as well. Instead, I wrapped it all in toilet paper and carried it back to my room.

I threw it into the wastebasket beside my bed and turned to Carlisle. His face was just as anxious as mine had probably been.

"It said no."

Carlisle quickly regained him composure and sat up a bit more straight. "Good, good," he said, picking back up the Depo shot. "Are you afraid of needles?"

I sat down on the bed. I couldn't remember if I was or wasn't. It had been so long since I'd actually been to a doctor for an illness. Usually it was for a sprained ankle or torn muscle. "I don't think so."

"Good," he said to himself and walked over. He tore open the package for the syringe, then placed the tip of the needle into the opening in the cap of the medicine vial. He drew back the top of the syringe so that medicine was suctioned into the tube. After a few flicks of the tube, he looked down at me. He cleared his throat. "Um, Bella, the shot needs to be administered on your buttocks."

There was the infamous blush again. I avoided his eyes and simply nodded. I stood and lowered my pants slightly.

"Just, um, lean over, so that your hands are on your knees or on the bed."

This. Is. Freaking. Great.

I sighed, closed my eyes, and gritted my teeth while doing what he said by placing my palms flat on the purple comforter.

I inhaled sharply as I felt the prick on my right cheek, and cringed as he withdrew it.

"All done," he smiled, placing the cap back on the needle and moving to his bag again.

"So, is that all?" I asked while shrugging up my jeans and redoing the button.

"Well, that shot won't be entirely effective for another twenty-four hours," he started over his shoulder, "So, I brought these."

As he turned around, I nearly died. Right then and there. If my heart had stopped beating, I wouldn't have blamed it.

Carlisle stood before me with a box of Trojan condoms.

And a freaking banana.

I felt my mouth drop and I shook my head. "Carlisle, I really don't think we'll be needing those, my schedule is pretty packed with a new job and all so I have a feeling it'll be quite a while before I see Edward, weeks even, and by that time I'm sure the shot will be working," I rambled, too embarrassed to even stop and form grammatically correct sentences.

Bless Carlisle for staying so composed and continuing to smile at me gently. "Bella, it's alright. You may not need them, but I'd feel better if you had them. Do you know how to use them?"

I ran a hand over my face and through my hair. Was it just me, or was it starting to get really hot in this room?

I looked down at the floor. "No," I responded quietly.

"Well, I don't think Edward does either, so would you mind if I taught you?"

"The banana?" I asked with heavy sigh, finally putting the pieces together.

He chuckled softly. "Yes, with the banana."

I sat down on the bed and my breath escaped me quickly as I realized my rear was aching near the point of injection. I ignored it and waved my hand casually in front of me, indicating for him to go on with it.

He pulled the rocking chair over and sat in front of me. He tore open the box and pulled out the small square wrapper.

Once again, I blushed.

"So, this is the condom. They make several types these days, made out of different materials, such as latex, plastic, and natural skin, which is basically animal tissue. These are simple latex ones, and I'm pretty sure they'll be fine. At the hospital, I use latex gloves and I never seem to have issues with them. However, I'm not sure how different vampire semen is from a humans, so Edward needs to take it off as soon as he's finished just in case the semen is capable of eating through the latex."

I swallowed hard and nodded. I couldn't believe Carlisle was talking about Edward…ejaculating…in me. I was grateful then that Carlisle didn't have Edward's ability to read minds, or Jasper's ability to sense emotions, because I didn't want him to know how absolutely horrified I was in that moment.

He ripped off the top of the wrapper and pulled out the circular latex glove. "I don't know if you and Edward use any sort of lubrication, but if you do, you should place a drop or two inside the condom."

He looked up at me with a questioning brow and I quickly shook my head to indicate we did not use lubrication.

He nodded once and went on, "Okay, so this is how it works." He picked up the banana and placed it in between his knees to hold it up straight. He demonstrated each action as he spoke: "You pinch the tip of the condom and leave about half an inch of space at the top. Place it at the tip of the penis, or banana in this case, and then roll it down. The roll should lie on the outside of the condom. Roll it entirely to the base, then go through and make sure there are no air bubbles trapped inside. This would cause the condom to break during intercourse. Also, check for any other rips and tears. And, there you go," he smiled, waving his hands at the work he had done. He looked up at me. "Did you get all of that?"

I was starting to feel extremely sick and I stared at him blankly.

"Bella?" he asked, concern showing on his face.

I shook my head slightly, trying to get the nauseating feeling to go away. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I got it," I responded.

He unrolled the condom from the banana, then reached out to hand it to me and a new condom. "I want you to make sure you've got it."

I took the yellow fruit in one hand, then the condom in the other. Very slowly, I repeated his actions, reciting the steps in my head: _Pinch tip. Half an inch. Roll down. Check for air bubbles. Check for rips and tears. _I lifted the banana and rotated it awkwardly in my hand for him to see and approve.

"Good job, Bella," he smiled, standing back up and moving the rocking chair back to the corner. He kept talking as he packed the used syringe and medicine vial into the black bag. "So, just keep those around somewhere, just in case, and like I said, the shot should become effective in the next twenty-four hours."

I only nodded in response, too far past coming up with intelligible, coherent replies.

He turned back to me, holding the medical bag under his arm. "Bella, are you sure you're okay?"

Again, a nod.

He sighed quietly. "Okay, well, if you have any questions or concerns of your own, don't hesitate to contact me. Also, if you think you're having a negative reaction to the shot, call me as well." He walked over to me and gently patted my upper arm as a comforting gesture. "We'll see you later, okay?"

I forced a smile and another nod.

I watched him walk away and climb out the window. As soon as he was out of sight, my body slumped and I fell back on the bed, feeling absolutely drained.

Surely, Carlisle had not just been in my room. He had not just had me take a pregnancy test. He had not given me a birth control shot. He had not taught me how to put a condom on my horny vampire boyfriend.

My head lolled over to the side and next to my head was the proof that it all had actually happened – the latex covered fruit.

With a heavy sigh, I picked up the banana, tore off the condom, and began to peel it.

I bit into the mushy fruit and closed my eyes as I chewed.

What. A. Day.


End file.
